14 Men With A Masters In Being A Dad

Apparently, I took forever to learn how to walk as a small child. I was wildly apprehensive. I think it had something to do with my mother always warning me of the dangers of everything and screaming, “Don’t do that, you’ll get hurt!” until my mid-teens. In any case, when I finally decided to give walking a try, my dad thought it’d be a good time to put an obstacle in my path. Have you ever seen a baby first learn to walk? You’d have an easier time balancing a basketball on a toothpick. So there I was, bumbling along, when suddenly, dad puts a miniature garbage can in my path. Needless to say, I was unable to manoeuvre around the garbage can, so I ended up falling into the cylindrical object as it tipped over. Rumor has it I refused to walk for six months after that.

Why am I sharing this story with you? Well, I hope it’s a warning to all dads — present or future — to not be an asshole to their kid or suffer the consequence of having to carry your kid’s fat ass around for another six months. Also, I wanted to begin this listicle with a clear illustration of the mind of a dad. It’s slightly irrational, it’s always looking for a cheap joke, and it lacks that part of the brain that makes people embarrassed by their actions or what they’re wearing.

This article is for you, dads. Keep doing that goofy shit you do.

1. Am I to understand that somewhere, there exists a woman who let her husband name their kid FORD?!

Also…nice shark, dude.

2. In an office building in the city, there’s a dad not doing work who is extremely proud of himself.

3. He drove three hours to sit on a beach in 100-degree weather. Let the man have his prank.

4. “It’s just a prank sweetie,” he yelled out. He knew it was too late. This moment would be the source of many years of therapy later on in life.