16 Single People Struggles For The Forever Alone

Here’s the first piece of advice that every child should be indoctrinated with the moment they leave the warm comfort of their mother’s womb: LIFE IS NOT FAIR. 

Some people are extroverted, attractive, wealthy and loved. Other people (aka you) are none of those things. But that’s okay! That’s the way baby Jesus willed it to be, so embrace it. The people in this article definitely have and you will soon bear witness to how awesome their lives are. 

God damn, it’s hard to sell this article as anything but four pages of berating human beings for being socially inept. In any case, I hope your enjoy the fruits of my labor. If you don’t, make sure to send me hate mail. My mailbox has been filled with nothing but pizza flyers for the past 14-months and it’s embarrassing. 

1. Happy Birthday, Rakesh.

I live in a place where construction workers are using bamboo as scaffolding and the people struggle to eat, but I’ll be damned if I don’t get myself a “happy birthday” billboard with my face and phone number on it.

2. Why don’t people come near me?

There was this hit movie in 2001 called Bubble Boy, starring Jake Gyllenhaal. It was about a boy with severe combined immunodeficiency (SCID) who had to live in a big plastic bubble. He had a legitimate reason why girls couldn’t get close to him. I don’t.

3. Low blow, milk jug. Low blow

“What are you doing for Valentine’s Day, Jim?” “Well… the 14th happens to be the day my milk expires, so I guess that’s something. Maybe add some chocolate to it.” “Oh, that’s fun. Add chocolate to it because people give each other chocolates on Valentine’s Day?” “No. Because I like my women the same way I like my milk: chocolate.”

4. I have these hobbies by default, not choice.

When you’re alone and want to be with someone but your two hobbies — cats and drinking — repel anyone who comes close to you. So you get more cats and more alcohol, further perpetuating the cycle of loneliness.